This is really an homage to a select few who have put up with me over these past 25 months. I fully believe that Peace Corps is a crucible and whatever was going on in your life prior to coming here is magnified ten fold. Then COS magnifies it more. Then giant groups of people magnifies it more. Until you're "that girl" who's in the middle of an anxiety attack and driving everyone away. I hate when I do it, but I don't know that I'm doing it until it's too late.
People say (idk who these people are, but I keep hearing it) that you make better, closer friends when you share your vulnerabilities. Well, every time I do, I feel like the monster sent here to destroy all things fun. A few of you know when I'm about to start waving the pity party flag and launch into a total ASB moment. I skirt off to the side, I put on a movie I've seen a zillion times. I call home. When I can't do these things, then it's word vomit. All these insecurities, these sad things that happened in my life grow legs, crawl into conversation, and ruin everything. Usually right in the middle of what should be a fantastic time. And then for days later I'm all:
The real issue is that I'm confused about everything and stressed all the time. I don't know what I believe about my experience here, I don't know what I believe about my relationships here. And that's what scares me the most. That I abandoned my family. That I damaged those relationships and I don't know if it was worth it. I did that. I chose to leave and even then, I chose to stay. I love love LOVE my new family here. Both Ugandan and PCV. Probably more than they will ever know. I love being Nagudi. I love squat mob and team Mbale and all of it. Insecure/trust issue disaster.
So getting back to why I wanted to write this blog post in the first place: there are at least 3 people and a few stragglers here and there who have endured me throughout this whole mess. My guilt tirades and my drunken freak outs and that one time I cried. You will never know how much that meant to me. That after such a horrible, awkward moment, you still call me to chill on the weekend. You still want to be seen with me or talk to me. You message me first. You want to get lunch. You're bummed when I don't show up places. You still want me around. For most of my life I've spent a lot of time playing the "real or not real" game with friendships, and you guys with your actions, have always always, answered "Real".
I love you, and I will never forget you. You know who you are.